Lets date for the summer
Dont love me in September.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
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Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
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I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?