Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
