Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We just shotgunned beers for America
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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