I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
