Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
