I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
