dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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