she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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