i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
