remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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