How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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