The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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