I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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