I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
