what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
