it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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