oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
how do you play pong handcuffed?
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
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