I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
