When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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