i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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