dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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