so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
