I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Randomize
