Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
