You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Randomize
