there's paper in my vomit.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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