and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
My vagina is officially offended.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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