This is not my ceiling
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
