Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
