I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
