Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
