my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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