Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
