The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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