I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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