your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
