god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
