He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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