The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize
