My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
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