Dual....:-)
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
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