my soul wont recognize me after tonight
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
