Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
