"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
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