I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Randomize
