So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Your cock deserves a montage
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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