This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Randomize
