Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
