it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
It was like giving head to a cactus.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
