I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
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When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
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Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
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