just come out here and I will go home with you...
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
