I am puke
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
