Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
