I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
