DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
